The Real Story of Valentine’s Day: A Feminist’s Nightmare

Whenever I think of Valentine’s Daheart-157895_960_720y, I think of candy, flowers, the color pink, and all manner of romantic nonsense that is usually associated with the holiday. It’s a social justice warrior’s nightmare–promoting largely heterosexual relationships, discriminating against obese feminists that hate men, yet wonder why they’re still single (see Lena Dunham), and instills altogether far too many good feelings on a day that really ought to be dedicated to warring against the inequalities of capitalism and overthrowing the patriarchy.  Between the excessive amount of pink and the cacophony of noise from the feminist crowd, have you ever wondered why Valentine’s Day is even celebrated?

Sometime during the 260s and 270s, a rather violent and apparently unpopular set of wars was being waged by the Roman Empire. Due to the high fatality rate, Emperor Claudius of Rome needed every man he could spare to go out to fight, and fight hard. Claudius viewed marriage as a distraction for his military men, believing that single men would take more risks in battle as they had no one dependent upon them waiting at home. In light of this, Claudius decreed that military men could no longer get married and forbade all ceremonies. A rebellious man named Valentine (or possibly Valentinus) refused to obey this decree and continued performing Christian marriage ceremonies regardless of the consequences. Valentine has also been rumored to have assisted many who were jailed in Roman prisons, as this was a time in which Christians came under heavy persecution from the Roman Empire. Neither of these acts put Valentine in good standing with the evil empire (see Star Wars), and he was soon arrested.

Now the events that occurred while Valentine was in prison are slightly more sketchy, specifically because many of them would have occurred without witnesses outside of those who were affected. Legend tells that while Valentine was in prison he prayed with the blind daughter of the jailer and her sight was restored. Both the jailer and the daughter are said to have converted to Christianity as a result of this. Legend further tells that Valentine established a rapport with the Roman Emperor, that is until he attempted to convert him to Christianity. For these crimes against the Roman empire, Valentine was sentenced to death. Prior to the execution, Valentine is claimed to have sent the famed letter to the jailer’s daughter signed, “from your Valentine.” On February 14th of that year, Valentine was beaten, stoned, and beheaded for his crimes.

This leaves feminists and social justice warriors in a conundrum–for, while they are perfectly happy to have a presumably white male beaten and executed for the crime of being an evangelizing Christian, the fact that he was a martyr for the cause of traditional marriage is…er…problematic. Since this account of St. Valentine will send your average feminist into a tizzy, I encourage all of you to share this post with as many of them as you can in honor of the day. Happy Valentine’s Day!


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